Digital Grass
Originally uploaded by Peter you've lost the news.
The otherday, I sent the link to my flickr photos to a friend. Today I got a message from a friend with a link to his Yahoo! photos.
As I was looking at the photos from the friend, I thought, "What a nice life he lives." He's married to a great girl, they both have nice jobs. They seem to really be enjoying life. Well, my other friend had a look at my flickr account and though the same thing about me. He said he lives vicariously through my photos from overseas, etc. I could say the same thing about him as I see all his photos of his family.
I got a message from my mom today about how I shut her and my dad out. She may be right, but I never did this on purpose. And she says that they have just accepted it. I don't blame her for telling me. If she feels this way, I can't blame her. But hearing this now is just really hard. I'm already hurting one person close to me. I feel bad about that and now knowing that I've hurt my parents in perhaps the same way, it's a bit much for me right now.
guilt --> self-loathing --> despair
1st of May
Originally uploaded by FreeMySoul.
For those to whom I didn't give lilly-of-the-valley this year.
tears
Originally uploaded by Modest-Velvet.
Spent the night on the couch last night. The couch was fine, but it was the sobbing from the bedroom that was hard. Not to mention the numerous times she came into the family rooom to talk more and more and more. Maybe that sounds harsh. But I was in no position to talk about everything. I may not show it, but I'm having a hard time too. I want to burst into tears, but I'm holding myself back (I think).
Lake view
Originally uploaded by speedracer4kq.
Listening to: Death Cab for Cuttie - Marching Bands of Manhatten.
Well, how's this for a first entry: I told my girlfriend of almost 5 years that I want to separate. To be honest, the words I used were, "I think we should separate." It's not quite the same thing. And she saw it and took advantage of it - in particular the word, "think". Needless to say, she spent a good amount of time after trying to make me change my mind.
We've been having problems for a long time. Communication problems from both of us. I don't ignore my part in all of this. But at the end, it comes down to the fact that I don't think we're right for eachother. I have lost the love I once felt for her.
This hasn't really all sunk in yet, though. I started looking on the web for appartments tonight. But got bored. My problem is that I'm really comfortable where I am and the life that I've constructed over the last couple years. And now, all that's going to change. And I guess that scares me a bit. As much as I say I like change, I've become very complacent over the past years. I've afraid of the unknown now. This is made all the worse being in a foreign country. That is to say, everything is just a little bit more difficult being a foreigner. At the same time, maybe it's I who create (by thinking of it) these difficulties.
