speedracer4kq

If humans live that long...

2007-03-14T22:30:00.001-01:00

What will happen when the stars in our current night sky burn out? When the constellations and stars that have guided us through the night for centuries have disappeared? I guess the answer is GPS.

But GPS just isn't the same. Will we find (make) new constellations? New stars to guide us? I don't think so. The night sky will become even more of a mystery.

Who knows, though. At that point, the stars may be a 3-dimensional viewing experience.

Snot

2007-03-10T12:15:00.000-01:00

I've been sick with a cold the past few days. However, I now feel I'm getting better. I'm blowing my nose more often, which means, one, it's easier to blow and doesn't make my head want to explode from the pressure and two, the color is starting to change. It's going from the translucent to the more yellow. The darker it gets, the closer to cured I am.

I just wanted to share these stupid thoughts.

This is pretty cool!

2007-03-03T00:47:00.000-01:00

...scary, but cool!

Not for the faint of heart.

Two armchairs in front of the TV

2007-02-09T11:27:00.000-01:00

I got an e-mail from a friend today. The subject was 'Sad news'. I clicked the link and as the page loaded I saw 'Obituaries'. Many people ran through my head as the page continued to load.

Suddenly, the name of an old friend appeared. I was a bit shocked seeing his photo. No explanation was given as to his passing. He was 31 years old.

The two of us had known each other for a long time. He lived on a street with a lot of kids and one in particular was a very good friend. I used to spend a lot of time playing with the kids on that street: snowball fights, football in the yard. It was a really long street with a lot of houses, which made it a perfect place for Halloween. So, it was only natural that we crossed paths a lot as kids. But it wasn't until high school that Brandon and I really became good friends.

Through band, we spent a lot of time together. Memories in his basement playing video games, his mom's extraordinary wildrice soup, listening to his dad's Pink Floyd albums, time in the garage working on cars or any of the many other projects Brandon undertook, on his amazing boat down on the St. Croix river, other days on lake, driving around in the car together, in depth conversations. I just felt, for lack of a better word, good with Brandon.

I guess this story is nothing special or unique. Most people can relate to the good high school friend or friends with whom we lose contact. But each time you're confronted with a situation like this, an old friend to whom something bad happens, you get to thinking how you grew apart. I could have kept better contact is a common thought. I said this to myself many times in the past about Brandon and other friends. I would periodically think about him and what he might be doing. Maybe it's an attempt to once again feel close to the person, or maybe it's just guilt, self-pity.

There is never really a response to this. We all know that things change, friends change. It's just the way life goes. But it's not always easy to accept. This is guilt talking. I think that I carry the past with me. Holding on to it with fondness wishing nothing had changed. But what do I have to feel guilty about? Is this guilt more of a reflection back on myself? I think it might be.

Looking back to the past can be good. I have tons of great memories of my friend and that is what's important to keep.

Living as me, who is that?

2006-12-18T15:07:00.001-01:00

I've been thinking a lot about who I am deep down. Where I'm going and what my true potential is.

At the same time, it's not about finding out who I am, but who I can become. Constantly changing, improving. Discovering my capacities. And maybe a part of that is actually deciding who I want to me.

Looking at my goals, about 4 of them lead directly to the big one "Become who I am".

1. Assume my life: accept choices and their outcomes. As long as those choices are made with a good conscious and I know they are the right choices for me.

2. Change my status quo: putting myself in different situations. Test other ways of living. See what suits me best.

3. Be more honest: accept who I am, what I'm capable of and not capable of. Act in a way that is truly me.

4. Do something difficult: again putting myself in different situations and testing myself. Always in the end to better know myself and then improve myself.

The best way to find out who I am is through new experiences. Putting myself in new and perhaps uncomfortable situations. I am about to embark on an incredible journey beginning with a complete and total change in my life and everything I've known. This seems to be a good time to really concentrate on changing for the better. Leave behind the habits of old and make new ones. Visualise who I want to be and adopt that person's behaviour.

Yesterday on the Morale-O-Meter

2006-09-22T16:46:00.000-01:00

Morale-O-Meter

2006-09-19T10:52:00.000-01:00

I love tracking things. Plotting data, making charts and graphs, analysing, etc. I guess that's the scientific philosopher in me. And what's even better is when someone else develops an easy and fun way to track daily life.

In my large amount of time spent on 43 Things I came across one of the Robots of 43 Things, Eric Benson, now known as Buster McLeod following a recent name change. Anyway, he has developed the Morale-O-Meter. A way of keeping track of daily influences on morale and general well-being: morale, health, sleep and alcohol and caffeine intake. You can also add daily notes. Doing this for a few days or weeks will give you something that looks like this:

I'm still trying to work out exactly for which day I'm counting sleep. I figure counting it for the previous night would make more sense as that would have the greatest effect on the current day's morale. However, at the same time, the events of the day could effect that night's sleep.

In any case, we'll see where this goes and what this reveals to me. I've only been doing this for a few weeks and have missed some days in between. So, my current chart can't be very representative.

Waiting for the rain

2006-09-07T11:00:00.000-01:00

Photo credit: Arnold Pouteau

We just left eachother
I walked out the door
2000 miles apart
I was coming home to you

The ground was still wet
From the leaves, drops fell on my head
I thought of you
You thought of me instead

Waiting for the rain
to bring us back together again
Waiting for the rain
to find you in our bed
Waiting for the rain

We’d talk for hours
without ever speaking a word
We felt eachother’s touch
without ever using our hands

Waiting for the rain
to bring us back together again
Waiting for the rain
to find you in our bed
Waiting for the rain

Mismatch

2006-09-07T08:26:00.000-01:00

You call me
You want something
Yes, I fucked up
But why can’t we work this out
There is a solution
It doesn’t have to be so hard

What’s the word
The missing words
Why can’t we understand
I’m too tired.

You say something
You hang up
I slam the phone down
So much for communicatoin
It wasn’t going anywhere anyway

What’s the key
The missing key
Why won’t it fit
I can’t hold it anymore

Another call
Public knowledge
I just don’t care
Go fuck yourself
Leave like always
To fix what you couldn’t say

What’s it worth
The missing value
It’s not worth it
I have to leave

Expressions of Life (work in progress)

2006-07-03T07:43:00.000-01:00

It's amazing what a look can do
Your eyes tell so much
I dive into your heart as I gaze into their green sea

Running on my mind
Always far from me
Nothing but your love
Don't deny mine
I'll always be there for you

Your smile illuminates my soul
Your eyes pull me in closer

Tired

2006-06-20T05:41:00.000-01:00

I'm tired of all the misunderstanding.
Tired of explaining. It's all too hard
We don't follow the same star. But its light shines on both of us.

I've done it all before. I've done it too long.
I once saw the end, but now I'm burning hot.
And it's you who holds the match.

Will I ever get away.
How will I get away.
Get away.
But do I want to anyway?

Why is the grass always greener?

2006-05-17T07:41:00.000-01:00

Digital Grass
Originally uploaded by Peter you've lost the news.

The otherday, I sent the link to my flickr photos to a friend. Today I got a message from a friend with a link to his Yahoo! photos.

As I was looking at the photos from the friend, I thought, "What a nice life he lives." He's married to a great girl, they both have nice jobs. They seem to really be enjoying life. Well, my other friend had a look at my flickr account and though the same thing about me. He said he lives vicariously through my photos from overseas, etc. I could say the same thing about him as I see all his photos of his family.

hurting you, hurting me

2006-05-05T09:01:00.000-01:00

I'm tired of hurting people. Why do I hurt people? I try hard not to, but I do. What's my problem?

I got a message from my mom today about how I shut her and my dad out. She may be right, but I never did this on purpose. And she says that they have just accepted it. I don't blame her for telling me. If she feels this way, I can't blame her. But hearing this now is just really hard. I'm already hurting one person close to me. I feel bad about that and now knowing that I've hurt my parents in perhaps the same way, it's a bit much for me right now.

guilt --> self-loathing --> despair

1st of May - Late

2006-05-05T06:26:00.000-01:00

1st of May
Originally uploaded by FreeMySoul.

For those to whom I didn't give lilly-of-the-valley this year.

couch

2006-05-02T11:45:00.000-01:00

tears
Originally uploaded by Modest-Velvet.

Spent the night on the couch last night. The couch was fine, but it was the sobbing from the bedroom that was hard. Not to mention the numerous times she came into the family rooom to talk more and more and more. Maybe that sounds harsh. But I was in no position to talk about everything. I may not show it, but I'm having a hard time too. I want to burst into tears, but I'm holding myself back (I think).

First entry.

2006-05-01T20:02:00.000-01:00

Lake view
Originally uploaded by speedracer4kq.

Listening to: Death Cab for Cuttie - Marching Bands of Manhatten.

Well, how's this for a first entry: I told my girlfriend of almost 5 years that I want to separate. To be honest, the words I used were, "I think we should separate." It's not quite the same thing. And she saw it and took advantage of it - in particular the word, "think". Needless to say, she spent a good amount of time after trying to make me change my mind.

We've been having problems for a long time. Communication problems from both of us. I don't ignore my part in all of this. But at the end, it comes down to the fact that I don't think we're right for eachother. I have lost the love I once felt for her.

This hasn't really all sunk in yet, though. I started looking on the web for appartments tonight. But got bored. My problem is that I'm really comfortable where I am and the life that I've constructed over the last couple years. And now, all that's going to change. And I guess that scares me a bit. As much as I say I like change, I've become very complacent over the past years. I've afraid of the unknown now. This is made all the worse being in a foreign country. That is to say, everything is just a little bit more difficult being a foreigner. At the same time, maybe it's I who create (by thinking of it) these difficulties.